Vinland Population Rising: Scientists Fear End of Vinland is near.

The Vinland Census has been counted and it appears that Vinland has seen some significant growth of Vinland over the past couple years. It appears that over that past three (3) years over 14 people have moved to Vinland. While Paul and Brenda Wilthammer are a nice addition to the community, their family's added weight on Vinlands limited land may have serious consequences on the whole community.

Vinland scientists claim that the added weight within the Vinland City limits may result in Vinland sinking into the middle of the earth, killing all the residents. The Wilthammers deny any of these claims and state that the entire city can't just fall into the middle of the earth. A local town hall meeting will be held this Friday night at 6:30PM to discuss what needs to be done. Residents are encouraged to attend.

Promoter leaves town, Keyboard Cat concert in doubt

Local music promoter Gene Sturbasky has gone missing in the wake of allegations that the Keyboard Cat concert Sturbasky has been promoting was a hoax. When reached for comment, Sturbasky's wife Alice had no comment, except to say "them is a bunch of lies, that darn cat is coming!"

The Keyboard Cat concert has been one of hottest tickets in town since it was announced late last year. Sturbasky's company, Hot Head Productions, has flooded the Vinland media market with ads for the concert.

Sturbasky has not been seen since last week, when Vinland television station Channel 3 WVIN ran a news piece revealing that Keyboard Cat was an internet hoax.

Vinland District Attorney Cecil Adrians said that he was looking into the matter, but said no criminal charges could be filed until the cat did not appear at the concert.

Town repairs bridge, newspaper ink shipments arrive

Officals at City Hall announced that the Nushahanick River bridge, which collapsed in a freak snowmobile incident in late Febuary, has finally been repaired. With the bridge out, critical supplies including newspaper ink became scarce in Vinland. The Vinland Valley News has been unable to print daily since the incident.

Mailman Delivers Baby; Faces Up To 15 Years

Postal Service To Review Hiring Procedures

Vinland woman faces drug charge

The scene at local pharmacy Morning Drug was a dismal one for Vinland resident Pat Ramouski after her purchase of prescription medication led to a finder's charge of $1.10 on the bottom of her credit card receipt. According to Pharmacist William "Billy" Frick, the charge is a result of a new city ordinance requiring a service fee for any kind of drug trafficking in Vinland and has been the source of a lot of public upheaval. Mayor Buttinger commented that the ordinance was constructed without identifing specific drugs and "was designed to rid the community of drug use, or turn a profit from such activities" and that the inclusion of medicinal drugs was "unintentional". Frick said this wasn't the first time someone had questioned the charge and thought it would be appropriate to re-word the ordinance to omit any reference to required medication for "obvious reasons".

Gavel breaks, trial in doubt

The trial of suspected thief Bertram S. Haggins was scheduled to conclude today until an incident in the court room delayed the procedings. Judge Bert Urgerack accidentally broke the town's only gavel when calling the court to order this morning. According to the state law, the city has one week to replace the gavel or Haggins will be set free.

According to Vinland city clerk Blanch Swingline, ordering the gavel might take 5-7 business days. This allows only a small window for the city to finish the trial on time.

Brawl brews at bowling championship, spills into parking lot

The Storm Lanes Over 45 Winter Bowling League Tournament ended in controversy last night when members of the Baptist Bashers bowling team assaulted several Storm Lanes employees and members of the Vinland Vet Office.

According to eye witnesses, the Bashers were in position to win the championship over the Vet Office if team member Bill Everly picked up a spare on his final frame. As Everly prepared to shoot the final ball, the bowling alleys signature "storm" effects were activated. The effects include loud thunder sounds, bright flashes of lightening effects, and heavy "rain" fall on the lanes.

Everyly protested that the effects were unfair, but Storm Lanes owner Sully "Storm" Schultz said that he would not turn off the effects because a bachelor party had arrived and requested the storm effects stay on.

Everly reluctantly threw his final ball, which resulted in a gutter ball. Immediately, a fight broke out between the teams. Everly made a beeline for Schultz, who ran into the parking lot. When police arrived, they found Everly and Schultz fighting with pool cues. Per the town charter involving duels and sword like apparatuses, the police allowed the fight to continue until a victor was established. Schultz won after 14 exhausting minutes, knocking Everly down with a swift upper cut.

Panic Strikes Vinland

Nobody is feeling good about this recent news from Adrian.


Editors Note: Each week, we will take an in depth look at whats going on in Adrian, Missouri, Vinland's biggest rival in sports, commerce, and fishing.

Local drunk gives Magic Brew a second go

Vinland vagrant Barney Morehead has been excessively drinking since age 11, when his family moved to Vinland. Since then he's been seen frequenting Vinland's Bowl-A-Rama wearing his favorite Pep Boys hooded sweatshirt, picking through back alley trash bins, and being the foremost expert of obscure pilsners and lagers in all of Vinland. Weeks ago, while on a Thursday morning binge, Barney was unpleasantly surprised as he downed a pint of a black ale from a broom-shaped bottle. He said the taste reminded him of "an old shoe.....filled with bitter flat beer." Since then the town of Vinland has been buzzing over this concoction and Barney thought he owed it to his reputation to give it another try. Yesterday morning and down 4 pitchers, when asked how he felt about the beer now Barney exclaimed, "you can taste the magic in every ounce!"

Febuary Foolin a hit in Vinland

The newest Vinland city holiday, February Foolin, was kicked off with a bang this morning when Billy Spears of Vinland was shot several times by his mother, Samantha Walker.

Dressed in a ski mask, Spears broke through the front door of his mother's house at 5:30am, in an attempt to convince her that she was being robbed. Unfortunately for Spears, his mother fell for the gag and shot him twice in the groin. Spears was rushed to Vinland Community Hospital in serious, but stable condition.

Mayor John Buttinger championed the creation of the holiday during his last re-election campaign. When asked about the incident this morning, the Mayor chuckled and said "that's the beauty of February Foolin! Sometimes the guy doin the foolin is the one gettin fooled!"

Tea Party ends in discord

The 12th Annual Tea Party fundraiser, a charity event organized by the Vinland Bridge Society, was cut short by angry protestors yesturday evening. According to police reports, members of the politcal far right Tea Party arrrived at the event brandishing weapons and shouting slogans. Police were called and quickly restored order without incident. No charges were pressed

Inmates escape from Jail

Four inmates held at the Vinland Police Station escaped last night at around 7:58 pm, right before the season 6 premiere of the popular ABC television program "Lost." All of the suspects had been arrested for "general rabble-rousing."

At the time, no police or other employees were at the station, and according to Sheriff Jack Jackson are all said to have been on the scene of "a very important crime" yet to be identified by the Vinland Valley News.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of the escaped, please e-mail the Vinland Police department at WeLuvLost@vinlandpolice.org.

Local Race Car Driver hangs it up

The famous Honda Accord of local race car champion Jimmy Harven has taken its last lap around town square. Harven announced that he will be stepping back from the sport of auto racing. He announced his decision last night on the popular internet blog Craigslist.

Harven and his Honda Accord have been a staple of the Vinland cruising scene for 12 years. One Vinland economist estimated that Harven circled the town square close to 800,000 times since 1998, when he turned 16.

Novelty Food Item Sparks Outrage in Vinland

A free give-away of cheese from an over-sized wheel in neighboring Adrian has been widely criticized around town as "glutinous" and "in contrast with the values of American Capitalism." A discussion of Vinland's response to this incident is on the schedule for next week's city council meeting. Mayor Buttinger declined to comment at this time.


Editors Note: Each week, we will take an indepth look at whats going on in Adrian, Missouri, Vinland's biggest rival in sports, commerce, and fishing.

Women's Auxilary Auction tonight

The Women's Auxilary will host an auction tonight at the Gypsy Theater. The event, themed "Hose for Haiti," will feature hand painted garden hoses that will be auctioned off to benefit those effected by the recent earthquake in Haiti.

Local hero fails at only legitimate venue for talent

Vinland celebrity tractor pull enthusiast Billy Hart, known to area fans as "The Hart Breaker", is in good condition at Vinland Community Hospital this morning after an incident late last night. When the incident occurred, Hart was assisting the Vinland Fire Department's efforts to remove a fire truck that had slid into snow covered berm.

According to eye witnesses, Hart's competition tractor "Hart's Desire" could not free the fire truck, despite numerous attempts. While climbing out of the tractor, Hart lost his footing and slipped off the tractor, landing awkwardly and breaking an arm.

Hart was driven from the scene in an ambulance and was unavailable for comment this morning. Fire Chief Herm Yukton issued a brief statement this morning thanking Hart for his efforts.

High Schooler Wins Art Contest

Drewden Wheatbrush, a Vinland high junior has been named the winner of the annual Vinland art contest. The Vinland art contest theme this year was "What Do You Dream". Wheatbrush was the only entrant in this years art contest. Here is a link to his winning submission.

For winning the contest, Wheatbrush's design will be the logo for the Annual Eggplant Festival held in Mid-June, and he has also won a ten dollar certificate Hudson farm supply and a ziploc bag of assorted nuts and bolts.

Whistleblower Reveals Pyramid Scheme

Johnny J Whistleblower, manager of Vinland Construction, announced plans to build a giant Pyramid in the middle of Town Square. The pyramid structure will feature 3 levels of egyptian-themed parking lots, as well as several drive-thru ATM machines.

Permission Slips Lost In Fire

Field Trip Post-Poned; Principal Faces Questions

Local Business To Sell New Product

"Vinland VCR and Donuts" was inspired to create a new "energy donut" after reading the local police bulletin in the Vinland Valley News. Sherrif Jack Jackson is stationed at the VCR/doughnut shop, and is prepared to arrest all persons who purchase the new product stating "Im usually here anyway, might as well make myself useful."

The doughnuts will sell for $83 each, and will come with a free VCR. No sales had been made at press time.

Local man has same game

Local man Wendel Farkson attempted to sell a popular video game on the internet on Tuesday evening. To his grave disappointment, he found that 88 people had the same idea.

Main Street renamed after MLK Day

Mayor John Buttinger announced yesterday that Main Street will be changed to Martin Luther King Junior Day Parkway in honor of the late civil rights leader's national holiday. The announcement was made at a small early morning ceremony at the corner of Presidents Day Boulevard and the newly named Martin Luther King Junior Day Parkway.

Some area residents have called into question the cities almost constant re-naming of streets. Many critics claim that the Mayor is abusing the city contract with his wife's company, Buttinger Steel and Lumber, to make street signs for the city. Buttinger had no comment.

Karate to be Taught in Vinland School

The decision to introduce martial arts into Vinland Elementary was made in response to fears that nearby town Adrian may be forming a child armyAdrian children are commonly described as "suspiciously generous," which many Vinland residents have long interpreted as "a clear sign of aggression." Locals assume the purpose of a recent trip to Texas/Mexico border by Adrian "teacher" was to learn fighting techniques from the infamous child boxers of Santa Lorena, Mexico.

Editors Note: Each week, we will take an in depth look at whats going on in Adrian, Missouri, Vinland's biggest rival in sports, commerce, and fishing.

Drugstore to end sponsorship

Vinland Drug & Go announced the end of their partnership with area resident Burk Lindale this morning. Lindale, a long time "real-time product endorser" on the streets on Vinland, was let go when it was discovered that he had been working for a competing drug store in nearby Kansas City. Vinland Drug & Go owner Lance Rutherford sounded a bit wistful during the announcement, saying "Burk sold a massive amount of baby oil for my store. But a deal is a deal!"

In related news, Rutherford announced that Vinland Drug & Go will soon be hiring a replacement for Lindale. This is the first announced job opening in Vinland in two years.

Vinland Scientists claim sleep dangerous in new study

Study urges caution, setting of alarms before getting in bed. Study applauded by Vinland's Anti Sleep Lobby.

"Suit Salesman of Central Missouri Conference" Coming to Town

The Suit Salesman of Central Missouri Conference, the SSCMC, will be coming to town this upcoming weekend. The event features salesman of the year Jermichael "Jazzy" Poppins, who will be unveiling his new suit labeled "Electric Glide". He has been waiting to finish his promotional video for the suit before debuting it this weekend. Evidentally the video has been worked on for the past 17 years.

Jazzy was quoted, "It's been a real long journey for the "Electric Glide" debut but I had to have the video just right to really make the suit pop. You only get one chance to be an icon in suits and you have to make it count."

Tickets to the event are $5.

Store Sells Items

Local auto supply shop, Harvey's You-Do, enjoyed increased profits after closing out its weekend sale of U-joints and novelty hood ornaments.

Jury Agrees: Ghosts Did It

Ghost Defense Continues Perfect Record in Vinland Embezzlement Cases

Vinland Factory Issues Nation-Wide Recall on All Competing Products

Hastily Written Recall Lists No Specific Deficiencies, Urges Consumers to "Wise Up"

Shots Fired During Council Debate To Purchase Monkey

A shootout occured during last night's council meeting during an open debate concerning the Vinland's Zoo's desire to trade in the Zoo's current animal, a bull shark named Chompy, for a monkey. The request comes after a recent incident involving Chompy and the youth hockey team. The discussion became heated, and Councilman Joseph Morningcrown revealed a concealed weapon and began to shoot indiscriminately into the council panel after he was unable to get the attention of all of the council members while he expressed his opinion on the issue. Several council members drew weapons and returned fire. No one was injured, which investigators say can be attributed to the fact that all weapons used date to the civil war or earlier, and are all therefore highly inaccurate.

Moringcrown told the Vinland Valley News that his actions were motivated by his concerns that "dem monkeys pull yer face off." Morningcrown has been suspended from the town council for 2 weeks for initiating the incident.

This morning, Mayor Buttinger reversed a recently approved ordinance to prevent future incidents of this kind, despite promises of more restraint from the council members.

Despite pressure, St. Patrick’s Day parade to keep sponsor

Jack's Smokes-4-Less will continue to be the title sponsor of this year's Vinland St. Patrick’s Day parade through downtown, despite pressure from local and national civic groups.

Mayor Buttinger was reached for comment on the issue at his office. In a brief interview, he explained that he understood the concerns of those opposed to the sponsorship. On the other hand, he explained that he "owed Jack a lot of money" and that since he was a man of honor, Jack's Smokes-4-Less would continue to sponsor the parade during his tenure in office.

Vinland Town Library Ransacked!

$33 of petty cash, a dictionary, and 4 library cards missing. Vinland resident Blaine Pitchford was questioned at the scene.

"Listen, I just can't handle the questions right now. The card catalog is in complete disarray, and bar code scanner has been on the fritz all morning. But there is something very familiar about all this....I suspect our rival town Adrian. I've been told Roger Crutch, Adrian resident, has been passing through Vinland sporatically over the last 6 months."

Local Toddler Doesn't Sit

Worry sick mother rushed to hospital.

Intoxicated College Grad Remains Unemployed

Happiness Found At Bottom Of Pint Glass

Authenticity of Time Capsule Questioned

Could Be Regular Capsule, Just Buried For a Long Time, Experts Say

Area coach turns self into police, found not guilty

Area youth sports coach Rope Givens turned himself in to Police this morning. Givens had been missing since last weeks incident at Vinland Ice and Games. After questioning by Vinland Police detectives, Givens was brought before Vinland Municipal Court to answer charges of criminal mischief, animal cruelty, and $1000 worth of property damage.

Immediately after the charges were read, Givens lawyer Red Stevens deployed his "Ace up his sleeve" defense. The tactic, which is well known throughout Bluffburg County, resulted in the immediate release of Givens, who was found not guilty on all charges by Judge Lance Murdock.

When reached for comment immediately after the hearing, lead prosecutor Debra Forbes tipped her hat to Stevens. "Bringing a grenade into the court room is a pretty clear sign of innocence, so the prosecution really does not disagree with the judge's ruling this morning."

Quaint Chapel

Vinland, MO - When Trine and Regina Bedrock discovered the small chapel in Mt. Ott Cemetary, they quickly realized they had found the ideal location for their “simple, old-fashioned” wedding. They were instantly drawn to the natural beauty of the cemetary itself and thought that it would be fitting for a wedding ceremony. It is a decision they don’t regret.

“One reason we did it there was to bring attention to the chapel, plus it was a beautiful place," said Trine, explaining their reasons for choosing the site. The minister who officiated at their wedding, Dr. Mitch Freewood, did not even know the chapel was at the cemetary. Trine wants more people to realize it is there, and perhaps help financially to keep it standing.

“It really does need a new roof,” he said.

Citizens Question Budget

Local man appauled after recent release of Civic Center photo.

"This a small town with simple needs. This new Civic Center is a gross misappropriation of local funds. We shouldn't be pretending that we host the New York Philharmonic on a regular basis," said local tax payer Evan Clever.

Green House destroyed, Plant Life threatened

Search for survivors commences at 8am Saturday morning. Citizens to meet at Civic Center.

Donations made to cause

Nearby town flaunts excessive tax revenue with frivilous donations.


Editors Note: Each week, we will take an indepth look at whats going on in Adrian, Missouri, Vinland's biggest rival in sports, commerce, and fishing.

Local Mom Headed to St. Louis.

Local mom and Vinland Youth hockey fundraiser, Jasmine "Jammie" Drisdale will be headed to St. Louis to interview for the newly opened Head Coach postion for the St. Louis Blues.

Inspired by Sarah Palin's biography "Going Rogue" she believes that she is more than qualified for the position because she has worked the penalty box door and even the scoreclock in a couple of her sons hockey games. She feels that she has seen enough hockey games in her time to be a great coach for the Blues.

When asked how many professional hockey games she had watched on televison, "Gee, I guess you could say I've watched any of them that were in front of me all of these years."

Teams season in doubt after attack

The Vinland Sharks Pee Wee hockey team's season is in doubt this morning after a stunning shark attack last night at Vinland Ice and Games. Chompy, the team’s 200 pound bull shark mascot, destroyed most of the team’s equipment in a vicious attack.

Eye witnesses claim that the attack took place after members of the team began hitting the water of Chompy's tank with their sticks.

The teams coach, Rope Givens, has been missing since the attack. Givens is the area’s most well known youth sports coach. He is infamous for using animals from the Vinland Community Zoo, where he is the head Zoo Keeper, as mascots.

Givens, pictured in this 1993 file photo coaching the Vinland Hawks, and Chompy, pictured in this police rendering, are wanted by Vinland police for questioning.

Area Favorite Son gets flat tire, Sues Town

Local boy wonder, war hero, and deli owner Hugh "Bugsy" Pitchford reportedly drove over a pothole on his way to work on Thursday evening that caused a flat tire. Mr. Pitchford has been in Vinland newspapers ever since he was 5 when he introduced the idea of peanut butter as a bubblegum-in-hair solvent to the town. His fame rose from there and in 1994 became the first man in Vinland to visit Boise, ID. The town celebrated his return from Boise with a traditional Vinlandian potluck luncheon at the Civic Center with over 30 attendees. Thursday marks one of the most unprecedented events in Vinland's short history as "Bugsy" Pitchford filed claim against Vinland for causing his flat.

"It's not a question of severity, but more a question of principle," said Pitchford when asked why he would pursue a lawsuit over something so miniscule as a flat tire.

"I've used the traditional channels before to present city-wide issues, but have only seen mild success. As a local celebrity, I don't believe I should be driving on streets with potholes. I mean, I've been to Boise freaking Idaho folks! Do you have any idea who my father is?" exclaimed Busgy.

Blaine Pitchford, Bugsy's father, works at the town library where he maintains the card catalog for International magazines. It is unknown why Bugsy made reference to the notoriety of his father.

Mayor Buttinger Declares War On Traffic, Neighboring Towns

Pillaging Expected To Begin Tomorrow