Mailman Delivers Baby; Faces Up To 15 Years

Postal Service To Review Hiring Procedures

Vinland woman faces drug charge

The scene at local pharmacy Morning Drug was a dismal one for Vinland resident Pat Ramouski after her purchase of prescription medication led to a finder's charge of $1.10 on the bottom of her credit card receipt. According to Pharmacist William "Billy" Frick, the charge is a result of a new city ordinance requiring a service fee for any kind of drug trafficking in Vinland and has been the source of a lot of public upheaval. Mayor Buttinger commented that the ordinance was constructed without identifing specific drugs and "was designed to rid the community of drug use, or turn a profit from such activities" and that the inclusion of medicinal drugs was "unintentional". Frick said this wasn't the first time someone had questioned the charge and thought it would be appropriate to re-word the ordinance to omit any reference to required medication for "obvious reasons".

Gavel breaks, trial in doubt

The trial of suspected thief Bertram S. Haggins was scheduled to conclude today until an incident in the court room delayed the procedings. Judge Bert Urgerack accidentally broke the town's only gavel when calling the court to order this morning. According to the state law, the city has one week to replace the gavel or Haggins will be set free.

According to Vinland city clerk Blanch Swingline, ordering the gavel might take 5-7 business days. This allows only a small window for the city to finish the trial on time.

Brawl brews at bowling championship, spills into parking lot

The Storm Lanes Over 45 Winter Bowling League Tournament ended in controversy last night when members of the Baptist Bashers bowling team assaulted several Storm Lanes employees and members of the Vinland Vet Office.

According to eye witnesses, the Bashers were in position to win the championship over the Vet Office if team member Bill Everly picked up a spare on his final frame. As Everly prepared to shoot the final ball, the bowling alleys signature "storm" effects were activated. The effects include loud thunder sounds, bright flashes of lightening effects, and heavy "rain" fall on the lanes.

Everyly protested that the effects were unfair, but Storm Lanes owner Sully "Storm" Schultz said that he would not turn off the effects because a bachelor party had arrived and requested the storm effects stay on.

Everly reluctantly threw his final ball, which resulted in a gutter ball. Immediately, a fight broke out between the teams. Everly made a beeline for Schultz, who ran into the parking lot. When police arrived, they found Everly and Schultz fighting with pool cues. Per the town charter involving duels and sword like apparatuses, the police allowed the fight to continue until a victor was established. Schultz won after 14 exhausting minutes, knocking Everly down with a swift upper cut.

Panic Strikes Vinland

Nobody is feeling good about this recent news from Adrian.


Editors Note: Each week, we will take an in depth look at whats going on in Adrian, Missouri, Vinland's biggest rival in sports, commerce, and fishing.

Local drunk gives Magic Brew a second go

Vinland vagrant Barney Morehead has been excessively drinking since age 11, when his family moved to Vinland. Since then he's been seen frequenting Vinland's Bowl-A-Rama wearing his favorite Pep Boys hooded sweatshirt, picking through back alley trash bins, and being the foremost expert of obscure pilsners and lagers in all of Vinland. Weeks ago, while on a Thursday morning binge, Barney was unpleasantly surprised as he downed a pint of a black ale from a broom-shaped bottle. He said the taste reminded him of "an old shoe.....filled with bitter flat beer." Since then the town of Vinland has been buzzing over this concoction and Barney thought he owed it to his reputation to give it another try. Yesterday morning and down 4 pitchers, when asked how he felt about the beer now Barney exclaimed, "you can taste the magic in every ounce!"

Febuary Foolin a hit in Vinland

The newest Vinland city holiday, February Foolin, was kicked off with a bang this morning when Billy Spears of Vinland was shot several times by his mother, Samantha Walker.

Dressed in a ski mask, Spears broke through the front door of his mother's house at 5:30am, in an attempt to convince her that she was being robbed. Unfortunately for Spears, his mother fell for the gag and shot him twice in the groin. Spears was rushed to Vinland Community Hospital in serious, but stable condition.

Mayor John Buttinger championed the creation of the holiday during his last re-election campaign. When asked about the incident this morning, the Mayor chuckled and said "that's the beauty of February Foolin! Sometimes the guy doin the foolin is the one gettin fooled!"

Tea Party ends in discord

The 12th Annual Tea Party fundraiser, a charity event organized by the Vinland Bridge Society, was cut short by angry protestors yesturday evening. According to police reports, members of the politcal far right Tea Party arrrived at the event brandishing weapons and shouting slogans. Police were called and quickly restored order without incident. No charges were pressed

Inmates escape from Jail

Four inmates held at the Vinland Police Station escaped last night at around 7:58 pm, right before the season 6 premiere of the popular ABC television program "Lost." All of the suspects had been arrested for "general rabble-rousing."

At the time, no police or other employees were at the station, and according to Sheriff Jack Jackson are all said to have been on the scene of "a very important crime" yet to be identified by the Vinland Valley News.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of the escaped, please e-mail the Vinland Police department at WeLuvLost@vinlandpolice.org.

Local Race Car Driver hangs it up

The famous Honda Accord of local race car champion Jimmy Harven has taken its last lap around town square. Harven announced that he will be stepping back from the sport of auto racing. He announced his decision last night on the popular internet blog Craigslist.

Harven and his Honda Accord have been a staple of the Vinland cruising scene for 12 years. One Vinland economist estimated that Harven circled the town square close to 800,000 times since 1998, when he turned 16.